Sunday, December 19, 2010

Rockin' Twirls, Custom Curls & Hot Girls!

By Detroit Jack, Phallus Press Writer - Sun Dec. 7, 7:51 am ET

Photos by Detroit Jack

At 11:45 am, December 5th, 2010, Yokohama Japan was hit by a massive tsunami, the likes of which have not been recorded since the great temple that once housed the Amida Buddha of Kamakura was laid waste. Cars piled up and dragged along the pavement as squealing could be heard around every corner. Swarms of lathered pedestrians crowded any refuge from the salty blasts, as those less fortunate were stripped by the waves that flowed between the bare thighs, which quivered amongst high powered rumblings.

"Why this . . . Why now?!", was a common reflection on this Bitch Attack from the deep wet saline rich void. As Mother Nature spread her vacuous expanse, more went in than came out, as the throbbing range of tidal pools sucked in all that was desired. Jackie and the Cedrics took the high ground in an attempt to satisfy the cravenness appetite of the Goddess who will not be named. They beat upon their drums, and leapt from the mount in attempts sooth the all too powerful one.

As if caught in a dream dance, her thoughts distracted by the rhythms cast at her, the gushing torrents subsided, leaving a powder white misty glaze on the face of the city. Though subdued, this event, along with the great Amida Buddha stand as testimony to powers of this Goddess, who has on more than one occasion reminded humanity, that mere mortals are no match to her salty twirls and custom curls.

Now, some two weeks on, makeshift memorials mark the areas on which the all powerful Goddess sprayed her mightiest mists of misfortune. White salty patches that are being preserved and decorated with images conjured up in the imaginations of those who survived.

Some have painted personal reflections of the Goddess herself, which can be seen at the various sites throughout city, while others simply present the twisted metal wreckage of the machines that failed to take flight.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Fever Pitch Hits Free Market Crash

By Detroit Jack, Phallus Press Writer - Sat Sept.11, 8:46:40 am ET

Photos by Detroit Jack

Tokyo Rockers cleaned out their nooks, crannies, closets and shoe boxes searching for the golden bullet to the top of the underground Free Market Crash that precluded an all out assault on communal harmony. Rockin' Punkers brought their molded straps and soiled treasures to lay bare on erected platforms so often equated with the offerings made to the flea market gods of the West.

A signed pair of Elvis' underwear was rumored to be on offer, though they never surfaced among the minion of guitar cases stuffed with the undergarments of the nights' acts. I personally had my mitts on a long red silky pair of cabaret stockings purportedly worn by one of the all too sexy Supersnazz members, though after further inquiry, they dropped from my clinging gloves when Super "Greg" Snazz lay claim to ownership. Yeah, sexy I guess . . . , but . . . ANYWAY . . .

Found among the offerings that documented the brief supremacy of the Nippon garage punk and roll underground were, a Teengenerate T-back here, a pair of Jackie & the Cedrics' &$#"$(# there! Must have had a good time in Spain!! A box of Thunder Roads chocolates with Jellybeans' on top, obviously rejected and put up for sale by a smoldering broken heart, a single rockabilly leopard skinned platform shoe, who the owner swore belonged to Mick Collins, and a tiger stripped leotard, which was priced at $2, but when my friend inquired as to the patron of ownership, no one would lay claim. My friend stuffed it in her bag for future ballet lessons.

When the Free Market Carnage had finally come to a head, the pints began to reverb from the stage. And, oh my, this was an ass kicking! Supersnazz are currently at their peak, which covers a twenty year climb to the pinnacle of their sound, that makes legendary those red cabaret stockings my friend (a Young Parisian) acquired from the free market offerings to the gods.

Further, when contemplating supreme triumph, this nights' punters' witnessed the crowning of thee supreme trio of Nippon garage rock, and those acclamations being so heartfully won by Sammy, Fifi and Fink, who are, were and always will be American Soul Spiders, Teengenerate, Raydios, Tweezers, Firestarter and beyond! They all out conquered this Free Market Crash and Burn: the likes of which one must truly travel East to bare witness.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Nikki Gorvette vs. Mothra vs. Godzilla

By Detroit Jack, Phallus Press Writer - Mon May 4, 6:01 pm ET
Photos by Detroit Jack

F.A.D.! Femmefatale A la Detroit! Sweet sweet sweaty smells of femmefatale could not be contained last night in Yokohama. Authorities were alerted as waves of tender rhythms broke into all out passionate inhabition. Chinatown has not witnessed such uncontrollable hysteria since Godzilla subdued Mothra, an event which scientists now suspect played a key roll in last nights mass love in.

Scientists have detected dispersed powdered female hormones most likely spread in Yokohama by Mothra in 1992. Once Mothras' latent hormone powders were whipped up and mixed with the provassive estrogen of the unsuspecting audience, the stompin' frenzy of the Gorvette punters soon spun out of control and into the wider Yokohama district, where the masses were overcome with sexual desires.

After analyzing evidence, authorities are leaning toward a theory that the high energy Detroit rock rhythms expounded at the show, released MC5 (Microbial Centrifugal 5), #5 of ten points that lay deep in the psyche, and a component of apparent force on the human body in curvilinear motion which leads to "f---ing in the streets". Also bafling to the Japanese intelligensia are the cravings amongst their masses for the Detroit sound.

Further, intellegence agencies most certainly suspect an attempted infiltration of the Japanese culture that aims to exact revenge for the demise of the Detroit industrial complex. The aim of the government is to contain with a firm hand the passions of their constituents, while corporate leaders are calling for an all out blockade of any imports originating from the Motor City.

In the wake of the mass release of sexually charged inhibition, the Japanese Government announced on national television, that it is considering the tough choice of summoning Godzilla to the Yokohama district, their quintiesencial defense, in an all out war to suppress the spread of the G.F.F.A. (Guitar Fueled Femmefatale Army).

Club owners however, insist that the rock n' roll expounded by Nikki Gorvette simply and unintentionally raised the stakes in an on going debate over the value of relying on the protection of the island nation to remain in the authoritarian claws of Godzilla, who, while successful in eradicating suspected enemies, ultimately unleashes a trail of destruction. They suggest that a softer, more sensitive ally may lay with the estrogen laden Mothra and R.R.R. (Revolutionary Rockin' Revelations) bourn in the Motor City.

All toll, there's certain to be more made of last nights event than there truly is in reality, but facts remain, the silkily lathered leather jacketed Japanese rock and roll fans show no signs of tiring of their Motor City addiction, and to kicking out the jams A la Detroit style.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Mummies Announce Mummification Plans

By DETROIT JACK, Phallus Press Writer – Sat Oct 31, 1:37 pm ET

After an historic Tokyo performance by the Mummies at the Halloween Ball 2009, on the 20th Anniversary of Back From The Grave, members of the legendary outfit from San Bruno, CA. announced plans to mummify their Mummy remains. Under an apparent signed agreement by all current band members, their management will seek the expert advice of a practicing mummification embalmer in order to formalize agreements of embalming to take place upon each members death.

Their Tokyo fans cheered the news as a large Canopic jar was placed in the center of the audience for the collection of donations to help the band proceed with their plans. Over $1000 was collected, and free mummified recordings were given to contributors as offerings.

The Mummies members are leaving Tokyo Monday morning for Cairo, where they plan to use the donations to purchase four Canopic jars for each member, which will be stored with an embalmer in Egypt. The band also stated that strict adherence to traditional symbolism on the jars will be followed. However, they reserved the right to choose their preferred artist, who they quickly declared to be Rockin' Jellybean, who has agreed to travel to Egypt some time next year for the ceremonial painting of the Canopic jars.

Upon the return of each members remains to Egypt, a two month mummification process will take place. Each body will be stripped and placed on a board, at which time the brain will be extracted through the nose. The brain cavity will be filled with a combination of linen and resin. Their chests will be cut opened and with the exception of the heart, the organs removed and stored in the four Canopic jars, representing the four sons of Horus. Their body cavities will be washed and packed with natron for 40 days, after which they are dried, sewn back together and sealed with wax, and then cleaned and wrapped in a very thick layer of linen.

In an interview following the Halloween Ball, the Mummies members told this reporter of further plans to begin construction of a four story pyramid on land they had purchased four miles west of the Cairo city limits in the desert. They admitted however, that official building permits had not yet been approved, but that they were unconcerned, as proper authorities had been paid in order to gain written permission.

Overwhelmed by the onslaught, Tokyo punters looked upon their sold out tickets in a holy new light, and word circulated that a garage rock pilgrimage to the future Egyptian site will commence upon the first death of any member of the Mummies.

Blasts Rock Outside Fussa Military Base!!

Detroit Jack with Comi

By Detroit Jack, Phallus Press Writer - Fri Nov 12, 12:01 am ET

Fussa, Japan was hit by an Abnormal stealth bomb last Saturday nite! Club Eddie's was destroyed in a firestorm of rock 'n' killroy when thee Comi took the stage following the Saturn invaders outside the American military base, which rose from the ashes of the Vietnam war to breed a hybrid English speaking Japanese, who still follow the credence of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll!

Comi crawled from the inferno in resonating fury to strike back at the grunts occupying the proscenium, thus exstinguishing howls of hail to the chief. In an onslaught unseen since the battle of Iwa jima, guitars bayonetted the front lines, eardrums burst from bomb blasts of bass riffs strafing the riotous trenches descending into hand to hand combat rock. Insignia of sculls and crossbones lay waste to an unsuspecting garage corp infantry.

Mopping up the flailing bodies beaten with Murochin sticks of obedience commanded an allegiance to a new flag, that of the Abnormals, on this day of our new lord and provider, the pirates guide and purveyor of all that shakes the ass of those who truly believe in the force of rock and roll: the twenty fifth day in the month of our Caesar, Julius, MMIX.