Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Mummies Announce Mummification Plans

By DETROIT JACK, Phallus Press Writer – Sat Oct 31, 1:37 pm ET

After an historic Tokyo performance by the Mummies at the Halloween Ball 2009, on the 20th Anniversary of Back From The Grave, members of the legendary outfit from San Bruno, CA. announced plans to mummify their Mummy remains. Under an apparent signed agreement by all current band members, their management will seek the expert advice of a practicing mummification embalmer in order to formalize agreements of embalming to take place upon each members death.

Their Tokyo fans cheered the news as a large Canopic jar was placed in the center of the audience for the collection of donations to help the band proceed with their plans. Over $1000 was collected, and free mummified recordings were given to contributors as offerings.

The Mummies members are leaving Tokyo Monday morning for Cairo, where they plan to use the donations to purchase four Canopic jars for each member, which will be stored with an embalmer in Egypt. The band also stated that strict adherence to traditional symbolism on the jars will be followed. However, they reserved the right to choose their preferred artist, who they quickly declared to be Rockin' Jellybean, who has agreed to travel to Egypt some time next year for the ceremonial painting of the Canopic jars.

Upon the return of each members remains to Egypt, a two month mummification process will take place. Each body will be stripped and placed on a board, at which time the brain will be extracted through the nose. The brain cavity will be filled with a combination of linen and resin. Their chests will be cut opened and with the exception of the heart, the organs removed and stored in the four Canopic jars, representing the four sons of Horus. Their body cavities will be washed and packed with natron for 40 days, after which they are dried, sewn back together and sealed with wax, and then cleaned and wrapped in a very thick layer of linen.

In an interview following the Halloween Ball, the Mummies members told this reporter of further plans to begin construction of a four story pyramid on land they had purchased four miles west of the Cairo city limits in the desert. They admitted however, that official building permits had not yet been approved, but that they were unconcerned, as proper authorities had been paid in order to gain written permission.

Overwhelmed by the onslaught, Tokyo punters looked upon their sold out tickets in a holy new light, and word circulated that a garage rock pilgrimage to the future Egyptian site will commence upon the first death of any member of the Mummies.

Blasts Rock Outside Fussa Military Base!!

Detroit Jack with Comi

By Detroit Jack, Phallus Press Writer - Fri Nov 12, 12:01 am ET

Fussa, Japan was hit by an Abnormal stealth bomb last Saturday nite! Club Eddie's was destroyed in a firestorm of rock 'n' killroy when thee Comi took the stage following the Saturn invaders outside the American military base, which rose from the ashes of the Vietnam war to breed a hybrid English speaking Japanese, who still follow the credence of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll!

Comi crawled from the inferno in resonating fury to strike back at the grunts occupying the proscenium, thus exstinguishing howls of hail to the chief. In an onslaught unseen since the battle of Iwa jima, guitars bayonetted the front lines, eardrums burst from bomb blasts of bass riffs strafing the riotous trenches descending into hand to hand combat rock. Insignia of sculls and crossbones lay waste to an unsuspecting garage corp infantry.

Mopping up the flailing bodies beaten with Murochin sticks of obedience commanded an allegiance to a new flag, that of the Abnormals, on this day of our new lord and provider, the pirates guide and purveyor of all that shakes the ass of those who truly believe in the force of rock and roll: the twenty fifth day in the month of our Caesar, Julius, MMIX.